Out for the Count

Okay guys. I know I said I wouldn't write anymore depressing posts...BUT...well, it finally happened. After about a month of being sad and depressed I finally hit rock bottom. Last night I was going through "the box"...the ill fated boyfriend box...or fiancee...whatever. Anyhow, I lost it. I just broke down and cried my little eyes out, mascara running everywhere...I probably looked like a cheap whore. The funny thing is this though: some people say I'm strong. HUH?!?! They say that they're are surprised that it took as long as it did for it to happen. Here's the thing...it's the total opposite though, it actually showed I was weak. The reason why I hadn't had a good cry was because then it would make what was happening REAL. How sick is that? It finally became REAL to me when I lost it. I hate sounding like a pathetic loser you guys but face it I AM. I want him back, I want him back more then anything. I want to fight for him but I feel like it would be a losing battle. Part of me actually hopes is that he's reading this right now and is realizing what he's missing out on because HEY I'M A PRETTY GREAT PERSON. Although right now I feel like I've failed at a lot of things...I was supposed to make him happy...to be his whole world, the love of his life, the woman he wanted to marry and I just couldn't do it. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe its me, maybe its him...I just don't know and that's what sucks about the whole thing. I have too many unanswered questions just hanging over my head. All I know is that I wish we could just start over. He can have the ring back...maybe he'll decide he wants to use it again on me one day.

Whatever, I went out tonight. I got all prettied up and went out with some friends, it's our Sunday night ritual now. I just feel like such a flake because I've been so out of it lately. My friends have been great though...very understanding about everything.

I'd love to start a blogroll but I'm not computer saavy...anyone want to tell me how to do one because I'd love to give credit and share all the great blogs I read.