Monday, June 27, 2005

Reaching out...

You ever get that feeling that someone is mad at you? I'm feeling it right now...it's like I'm in a silent fight with someone. I'm not quite sure if I did something wrong...but I do believe that this person is unbelievably talented...

More good stuff...

I finally got a day off and was able to sleep in....ahhhh....

I got a pedicure today, I swear it is heaven on earth, and who cares if I pick the same color every time...I LIKE it, okay?!?!

I heard a really gross story about a total stranger who I just met, let's just say it involves poop...wait, no...that's NOT good, I swear what is wrong with people, why would I want to know so many damn details about their life?

My sister is really stoked right now, she gets to see her husband in a couple days, (he's graduating from boot camp-army). My nephews are excited to see their daddy. I'm glad to see them so happy. Plus, my sister will be able to get some while the mother-in-law watches the kids. At least someone will be getting it...

I saw my mom and my nephews (ages 2 and 3) shaking their "booties" to a Jay-Z song today...there is nothing funnier than hearing the words "Brush your shoulders off" coming from the mouth of a 3 year old.

Holy shit...

I went out tonight and actually had a GOOD time...can you believe it? Maybe the alcohol had something to do with it. I took some pics so maybe I'll post some later in the week. I could swear that everyone I was with tonight knew about me and D but apparently not because someone asked where he was...I handled it fairly well...I told him he was probably at home and just turned away...and let my friends fill him in on the rest. He felt like shit and because of that he worked his ass off to keep me laughing all night long and guess what? It worked. Another reason why I had a good time tonight was because I got to see an old friend that I haven't seen in awhile and it was really nice catching up with him. I have the day off tomorrow and I'm totally stoked...it sucks working 7 days straight.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Here's the thing...

You just can't jump into being friends with someone that you used to have an initmate relationship with. Something like that takes time...and hell, it might not even be possible because I don't think we're cool enough for that. No matter how hard a person tries to be mature about things, there are still certain things that can just kill you. So, a person learns not to ask...or they do ask and get killed. There is just no easy way around it. If he were to call me tomorrow with a problem, I would be there for him. He will always be a part of my life. It might not be in reality but he will always be in my heart. Maybe it's just time to let go and take the grip off him that I've been trying to keep...I can feel him slipping through my fingers and I just need to come to terms with it. And by the way...goddamn that Coldplay song...it reminds me of us every time I hear it: "And the tears come streaming down your face/When you lose something you can't replace...Lights will guide your way home and ignite your bones/I will try to fix you."

I'm sorry I couldn't fix you...myself...and us.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

I never write about the good stuff...

I went to the Melting Pot yesterday and gorged myself with food.

There is nothing better then drinking a few glasses of wine and feeling perfectly light-headed.

I went to a party last night. I had a a good time and really wished that I had brought my camera with me. Gosh, I love drunk people.

There is nothing like being with someone who is drunk while they pick out a stuffed animal beaver that makes noises when you squeeze it. It was a birthday gift for someone. He bought a skunk too. He couldn't stop laughing. He gave the skunk as the gift but ended up keeping the beaver for himself.

Today my nephew decided to take off his pull-up and run around nekkid with it on his head while laughing hysterically.

My dad backed into a BMW when he was pulling out of a parking space. He left a note. The man whose car he hit got the car only 3 weeks ago. There is a big ass scratch now along the back bumper. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DAD!!!

It was good stuff...

Friday, June 17, 2005

Wrecked

I was listening to a song on my way home from a long day at work (fuck you E) and a random thought popped in my head. What if I were to just lose control of the car and die. Would HE think of these lyrics that I've had him listen to?

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the stars roar the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves. Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The world revives, colors renew, but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you.
Without you.

I love RENT.
I hate THIS.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Broken

I don't understand what my problem is. It's almost as if I want to be hurt. I swear I have some sign that says "Come and get me, my heart hasn't been ripped to shreds in 2 days...I think it's about that time again." I'm physically sick. I can't keep doing this to myself. It hurts too much. Why can't I just get over THIS?!?! Dammit, I'm so angry...angry and bitter. I never used to be this way. I just feel like I can't be me without him. I am literally sobbing over the keyboard as I type this. I can't stand what he's done to me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

JUST friends...

Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Well, I'm going through it so exactly how long is this journey going to take?

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Good

That's how I would describe my weekend. I did a little bit of pampering myself. Got a pedicure and a massage. God, I love massages, they are the greatest thing ever. I will not, however, go back to the place I went to on Saturday. I felt so exposed! No sheet or anything, just a little bitty towel covering my behind. I practically felt molested with her rubbing on my butt. And when she told me to turn over...I was thinking "oh lord, she's about to see my boobies"...god, I really didn't want to turn over...but I did...slowly, and THANK GOD, she was standing there with another towel to cover 'em up. I about freaked out when she started massaging my face with her greasy fingers. I have a major thing about people (besides a significant other) touching my face...I dunno, I guess I'm paranoid that some sort of giant zit will pop up the second someone touches it. I'm just very anal about my skin...I take good care of it and don't want any nastiness on it.

I went out on Saturday night to a club. It was okay. I enjoyed the company of my friend more then I did the atmosphere of this particular club. I think I would have preferred to hang out at her place and get drunk instead of going out. The only thing I actually enojoyed was getting ready with her. I don't know what it is but I love getting ready to go out with a friend. I just love trying on different outfits and putting on makeup and getting all dolled up. I've realized lately that all my close friends have huge ta-tas. My friend J looks so different in the same shirt then I do. It's funny how girls like me would do anything for big breasts and how girls like J would do anything for breasts like mine. I guess no girl is ever happy with the way she looks.

My Sunday night outing wasn't the best though. It totally turned into a couple thing and I started to feel really weird so I left after I ate and went somewhere else. Damn that Hurricane Arlene for ruining my weekend trip to Boloxi for gambling and drunkenness!

So much...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Sickening

That's what I thought when I got out of the shower this morning and looked in the mirror. I have lost too much damn weight. I want some of my curves back! I miss my butt, my boobs...and LOOKING HEALTHY.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Nightmare

Kid was talking about dreams a couple days ago and last night I had a doozy. First of all, I went to sleep last night very upset and stressed out.

Anyhow, I had a dream last night that I got a in car accident. I was riding alone at night, coming home from work and it was raining. The rain was pounding the windshield and the wipers weren't working fast enough. My car hydroplaned and I lost control. I hit a pole and was bleeding everywhere. An ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I ALMOST DIED. When I woke up, my family and friends were there but I only wanted one person. He wasn't there. I was told he wasn't going to come because he didn't love me anymore. My heart stopped.

And then I woke up drenched in sweat. It was the most vivid dream I can ever remember having. I can remember almost every detail but I gave a condensed version because it freaks me out too much.

I don't want to fall asleep tonight.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Me? Stunning? Ha!

So one of the girls that I went out with last night is gorgeous. She's absolutely beautiful and yet she thinks that she is ugly. She can kiss my ass. It's amazing the reaction that she gets from guys. She showed up a little late and met some of the "newbies" to the Sunday night outing. As soon as she walked away from the bar area to go sit down, all the guys were like "Damn, she is so pretty." I was actually jealous. So sad...I rarely get jealous of stuff like that...but I did last night. I've just never seen a reaction from so many guys like that before. It was truly amazing...but at the same time I wished she wasn't there. Just once I'd like something like that to happen to me. I would love a reaction like that. All I ever get is that "she's cute." Don't guys realize that girls HATE that?!?! We want to be called something better than that...STUNNING would be just perfect! One of the guys last night was as asshole though. It's strange, he didn't even mean to be...he just WAS. A cocky sonofabitch. One of those guys that focuses in on one or two good qualities and just compliments the shit out of you. I swear if I heard him tell me that my dimples are "adorable" or that I have the "cutest" puppy dog eyes or that my voice was "precious" I was going to smack him across his face. What as ass...he was drunk, but it's still no excuse. Last night made me realize that I'm so NOT ready to get back in the dating scene yet. I haven't even thought about it...is hasn't even crossed my mind. But my friend told me that some guy thought I was cute...and I was like HUH? I don't even realize that other guys exist as someone I could possibly date. I only have one man on my mind...

And then there was one...


...just me... Posted by Hello

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Out for the Count

Okay guys. I know I said I wouldn't write anymore depressing posts...BUT...well, it finally happened. After about a month of being sad and depressed I finally hit rock bottom. Last night I was going through "the box"...the ill fated boyfriend box...or fiancee...whatever. Anyhow, I lost it. I just broke down and cried my little eyes out, mascara running everywhere...I probably looked like a cheap whore. The funny thing is this though: some people say I'm strong. HUH?!?! They say that they're are surprised that it took as long as it did for it to happen. Here's the thing...it's the total opposite though, it actually showed I was weak. The reason why I hadn't had a good cry was because then it would make what was happening REAL. How sick is that? It finally became REAL to me when I lost it. I hate sounding like a pathetic loser you guys but face it I AM. I want him back, I want him back more then anything. I want to fight for him but I feel like it would be a losing battle. Part of me actually hopes is that he's reading this right now and is realizing what he's missing out on because HEY I'M A PRETTY GREAT PERSON. Although right now I feel like I've failed at a lot of things...I was supposed to make him happy...to be his whole world, the love of his life, the woman he wanted to marry and I just couldn't do it. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe its me, maybe its him...I just don't know and that's what sucks about the whole thing. I have too many unanswered questions just hanging over my head. All I know is that I wish we could just start over. He can have the ring back...maybe he'll decide he wants to use it again on me one day.

Whatever, I went out tonight. I got all prettied up and went out with some friends, it's our Sunday night ritual now. I just feel like such a flake because I've been so out of it lately. My friends have been great though...very understanding about everything.

I'd love to start a blogroll but I'm not computer saavy...anyone want to tell me how to do one because I'd love to give credit and share all the great blogs I read.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Even though....

I'm broken right now...
but I'm going to try not to do anymore depressing posts...
I'm off work tomorrow so I think I'll do something for ME...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Guess what!?!?!

I talked to a friend tonight...and felt a little better...
I really need to get out...
I'm seriously contemplating moving away...